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July 3, 2002
Osama is dead
Writer Mark Steyn argues that Osama bin Laden is obviously dead. Steyn makes a good case and he's funny too. Here's an excerpt:
Here's what we know about al-Qaeda: the Number One and Two guys haven't been heard from since December; Number Three, Mohammed Atef, is dead; Number Four, Abu Zubaydah, is in U.S. custody; so are hundreds of others, 80% of them Saudis captured in Afghanistan. Not all Osama's lieutenants are dead or in detention, but intelligence reports have spotted surviving individual members of his elite personal bodyguard in various spots around the globe, which would appear to suggest that they've been reassigned: There's no point being a bodyguard when the body's no longer in a state worth guarding.
Osama is dead!
Osama and Omar made the mistake of hiding out in the Pigmy village of To ta. The story goes like this. Osama and Omar wanted to go into hiding, so they took a boat to the small village of To ta. They gave all of their money to the King to hid them. Omar was annoying the villagers by drinking Vodka and singing Old Mc Donald. Osama read the "New Koran" as edited by Mr. Bin himself.
After a month Osama became frightened. He did not see Omar for two weeks. So, Osama went to the hut of the king of the village. Inside Osama noticed a shrunkin head with a turbin that looked like Omar. Osama demanded that he be allowed to leave the camp. The king said that he could leave in the morning, and asked Osama if he would attend the special dinner dedicated to Osama. Osama agreed.
The pigmys surounded Osama and riped off his head, pulled the flesh off, sewed the eyes - mouth and ears shut, stuffed it with pork, stuck a skewer through the ears and bioled the head in an oily broth for 25 hours. The pigmys had a feast with the rest.
When the US military arrived, all that was left were two shrunkin heads, blowing in the wind on a pole. When asked what Osama tased like two pigmys smiled and said, "a little like chicken".
Poore Osama, his money was no good in the village of To ta.
The man could not go this long without gloating. He is buried in the rubble of Tora Bora. Good riddance to bad rubbish.